Alice VanDeLan

Interview with Alice VanDeLan, taken from Book One, The Monuments of Panda Johnson.

Subject: Interview by April F Parka with:

Alice Van-De-Lan & Bambii Nazi

alice fantasy cover


(I decide this time to leave my bag in the hall, just my pad, pen and Dictaphone. I knock, not so loudly this time, there is a loud) “Tart!” (From inside and I make my entrance. This time I am greeted by both Bambii, who runs up and hugs me and Alice, who passes me a fresh cup of coffee. A most welcome and unexpected welcome.)

(I smile and say) “Thank you very much.” (I go to sit in the appointed chair, but Bambii grabs me by the wrist) “Pancakes!” (She says eagerly) “She wants us to sit on the sofa by the window.” (Alice informs me)

(I take my place and find that I am surrounded, Bambii on my left and Alice to my right.)


April F Parka “Good afternoon Ladies, it’s a pleasure to meet you both.”

Bambii Nazi “Tart.”

Alice Van-De-Lan “Don’t mind her, she doesn’t mean anything. Once you get to know her, she is easy to understand really, all you have to do is listen.”

April F Parka “No offence taken.” (I smile and Bambii, I flip my pad over and begin to make shorthand notes, pleased that I have the pad, as I am unsure of who to look at.)


BN “Thief.”

AFP “I’m sorry?”

AVDL “She likes you; she wants to know if you’re having a good day?”

AFP “Oh, I see, well, thank you Bambii.”

BN “pancakes.”

AFP “You’re welcome.”

AVDL “See, easy really.”

AFP (I can see that this could get complicated very quickly, so I decide that I will just ask one question, I am aware now that uncomfortable silence has fallen over the three of us, mainly due to me thinking what question I should ask. I cough lightly and clear my throat.) “Bambii, Alice, I am aware you have both had a long day so I have only one question for you.” (There is a relaxed sigh from Bambii as if to say) “Thank the stars!” (Folding over my pad I continue) “Why are those ‘easy open’ milk cartons never easy to open?”

BN “Random!”

AVDL “I agree, but honestly I have my own cow so that’s never an issue.”

AFP “You own a cow?”

BN (Giggling hard behind me.)

AVDL “Yes.” (She laughs a little) “I have a few.”

BN (Laughing even harder now, I am unsure if this is some kind of joke at my expense, I think that Alice can see this as she says.)

AVDL “It’s ok April, I really do have cows, it’s just that Bambii thinks cows are funny and anyone that owns one is odd.”

AFP (I move slightly forwards as Bambii reaches behind me and thumps Alice in the arm. Two minutes later I am back outside the room covered in milk, all I can hear inside is raucous laughter from behind me. Another interview that did not go the way I had intended.)


     Conducted at the Seven Stars, Grand Vacation Resort & Hotel, Cornwall, UK. by

April F Parka

the following is an exert taken from The Monuments of Panda Johnson

Rodger-Me pointed to his left, Lord Overworn turned his head sharply, seeing only the back of Genevieve and part of Alice. He strode forward again almost knocking Bambii over.

“Tart,” complained Bambii. 

Before the doors were half way open Lord Overworn was inside the room, Cecil only got to, “Beeeee...” and gave up. The doors closed again, Cecil sat in silence, arms folded in defiance. 

Everyone watched as an argument ensued inside the room, it didn't look good. There was lots of arm waving, Alice had tears streaming down her face.

“Damn sound proof glass,” muttered Misty in complaint.

Genevieve looked about ready to eat her husband, something that Lord Overworn was well accustomed to.

“Presumably Alice's father?” thought Panda

Panda, curious, inched slowly towards Private Rodger-Me, “Who is that?” he nodded, indicating Lord Overworn. 

Rodger-Me looked a little confused by the question, “Oh, that's Lord Overworn.” Panda looked to him, hoping for more information than just a name. 

Rodger-Me said nothing, Panda’s shoulders sagged a little, “Why…” he thought, “Was everything so damned hard?” He smiled weakly, almost sarcastically, “And he is?”

Once more Rodger-Me looked blankly at Panda. “Ohhh... you mean Lord Overworn” Rodger-Me finally said.

Panda smiled and nodded. And waited…

In another dimension, in this exact same situation, these exact same beings are all played by anime style 1960s. cartoon characters, and if you look very closely at Panda - yes, that's him being played in this scene by the odd sounding little cowboy with the way too large hat - you really can see steam pouring out of his ears and nose, and for the sake of the Editor’s blushes we'll stick with the cowboy’s version of swearing too.

“And???” Panda was exasperated but managed to control his tone, after all this Trooper may be as dim as a London Traffic Warden, but he still had a rather large gun, and seemed to be quite agile with it. 

“Hmm.” Replied Rodger-Me nonchalantly.

Panda bit his lip, smiled a smile that made him look as if he had krapped himself severely, “Who.Is.He?” asked Panda firmly pointing directly at Lord Overworn. “Oh, that's Genevieve's husband, the Emperor,” smiled Rodger-Me. 

Blinknott had been listening in, as had everyone one, “There’s an Emperor?”

Rodger-Me leant back, peering around Panda, “Sure is. Have had for near-on two millennia.”

“Nooo,” argued Misty, “Emperors were outlawed over 1,800 years ago.”

“Ah!” Rodger-Me looked as if he had been caught out, “That was true, he's only been Emperor for about...oooh... twenty five years? So probably news to you lot way out here.”  

“Random,” Bambii blurted, randomly. 

steampunk alice